1. Invest in cute pajamas. Your neighbors will get to know you on a different level… the Sunday morning, yes I sleep in this huge shirt from 1997, haven’t quite opened my eyes yet, you. And when your crazy puppy refuses to come inside and you can no longer shield your bed head from your cool neighbors, you’ll have wished you invested in a cute matching set of PJ’s and fuzzy socks. Yours truly, the girl in embarrassing boxer shorts and chicken legs.
2. If you can’t find where the dog pooped, you are standing in it. RIP 1 pair of TOMS and 2 pairs of Rainbow sandals. So much time has been lost looking for dog poop to pick up only to find that I am standing in it! It’s like as soon as you think to yourself “I swear the spot was right here” you realize, yes, yes it was. And you are actually much closer than you think. So stop searching the grass and lift your foot, idiot. Ding ding ding! Youuuuu found it. We need a metal detector except for like, you know, poop. Why do we feel like that won’t be much of a seller…?
3. You will be forced to hatch from your cocoon of shyness. Consider our social butterfly wings spread. And not by choice. It’s like of course our puppy is going to want to meet you on the streets. (Side note: if you pet our dog and say she is cute, we’ll instantly love you. And we will instantly tell you her life story including how many kibbles she had for breakfast.) So much for hibernating on the weekends and only socializing with each other during ads on Netflix. Nowadays, even a walk down the street is an opportunity to chat it up with a stranger. This is a total work in progress… #ForeverAwkward
4. Kiss your social life BUH BYE! Aside from talking with strangers on the sidewalk (creepy) the whole social life thing is gone. This worked out because well, we have no friends. Nowadays, going out on the weekends is a thing of the past. And even when we try to sneak out for a little, there’s a pang of guilt for leaving our sweet baby! When people ask us to hang, we’re just like “want to come over and watch our dog play with a toy instead?” Yeahhhh… that felt just as pathetic writing it as it did for you reading it.
5. Your dog is not deaf, she is ignoring you. Okay karma, I see you CLEARLY now! For real though. If I knew ignoring my parents when I was a bitchin toddler would come back and bite me, I would have thought twice. It’s like Reagan, we are standing three feet from you! We know you can hear us calling for you, but okay home girl, keep playing with that stick. I’ll just stand here in my speckled boxer shorts (see #1) and wait in the lawn until you finish.
6. Mystery prizes of the mouth. There are few things more frightening than seeing your puppy find a foreign object in the grass and thinking its snack time. Please keep in mind: one of the people behind this blog called their little sister to come over and kill a spider. Actually, both sisters were called, and zero delivered. #StillBitter. Anyways, let me paint this picture for you. The morning sun is peaking out over the lake, smudges of fog lay heavily over the still water while most of the world still rests. A young golden retriever trots lightly between her owners until her paws meet the sand. And thennnnn… HAMMER TIME! In a split second our precious golden retriever morphs into a Hoover vacuum and picks everything up from the grass to the sand to the water. As a responsible parent, it is our unspoken duty to reach in and remove whatever she’s picked up! So here we are, thinking “oh that little Reagan’s probably got a rock again.” NO! NO SHE DID NOT HAVE A ROCK! That little fluffy psycho had a FROG in her mouth! A FROG! I’d call my sisters to come help but you know… #StillBitter
7. She will sabotage your blogging schedule. GOD! The first time we whipped out the computer the girl acted like we were plotting to buy 100 vacuums (second reference to vacuums) in bulk and then terrorize her with them. Chill girl! We’re just blogging. But since you are super cute, you can lay on the keyboard and I will just type around all letters to the left of H.
8. You will become a magnet to other dog lovers. Okay and dogs. But that could be due to the never ending supply of treats in my pocket. Uhhh, totally different topic though. Anyways, last night we found ourselves at a party in a circle with other dog parents talking about our precious puppies. And to think, at one point we cared about gossip and trends? Chatting it up about puppy products and training techniques is WAY more fun. Especially when you’re talking to people who are as equally as obsessed with their dog as you are. Let the crazy dog people UNITE!
9. You will need more storage on your phone. We’ve had to retire the selfie to make room on our phones for more puppy pics. The amount of pictures we take is kind of obnoxious but there is nothing better than having all those pictures of her to see how much she’s grown. Last night we went through our albums, starting with the day we picked her up, and already cannot believe how much shes grown! But uhhhh, now we need to delete all of our apps and photos of friends and family from our phone to keep space. Sorry guys.
10.None of these things will matter because you are madly in love with your new best friend. Except for the whole pulling a frog from her mouth. THAT definitely matters.